if you understood me you would know what's going through my mind right now.

hey people. missed me?
been awhile since i last updated.
so here we go.today is hari raya haji.
its supposed to be a happy day right?
dream on. it was horrible.

early in the morning i was still sleeping.
my dad slam the door open and starts shouting at me.
i forgot to pass my mum something and she was supposed to pass it to my sis.
i mum was goin to malaysia to meet her.
she left early in the morning.me bad.
but still i was kinda pissed off.
screaming at me when i was trying to sleep.
so i just ignored him.
fcuk off =X

in the afternoon went to my grandmum's house. dad's side.
uncles and aunties were all there.
i felt so invinsible there.
damn father did somthing again.
pissed me off yet again.
after a while my dad, uncles & aunties started argueing about somthing.
even my grandmum was involved.
they argued right in front of my cousins.
some more it was hari raya haji man.
and they still argued.pissed off yet again.
i just left the house.
without my dad.

went to the esplanade.
shh. dont't tell my family.
usual depressed place i'll go to.
the evening view was great.
alone.

what a wonderful day for me right.
that's my hari raya haji.
peeweet~!
my family's like that and i've got no close friends.
any reason for me to live?
i don't think so.
good bye.
good riddens.

i cant believe so many bad stuff can happen on such a beautiful day.

"The Reason"

Everyday and everynight I think about it
Why do I do so much and still get nothing out of it
People tell me i have the qualities of a leader
But what if i don't want it? Maybe its something i fear

I've lost the reason to help, lost the reason to care
Even after all i've done, to me, it's still not fair
Giving a person purpose, reason is something important
Getting back what you give, it almost never happens don't be certain

I've been thinking about this for a really long time
I guess even from the very beginning i've really been blind
Losing my breath, finding it difficult to live
Let me go from everything, I just want to be free

"Responsibility"

Leader of the pack guiding the lost
You want to reject it but they're pushing you by force
Things feel so heavy like the weigh of the world
Friends will leave, always feeling very cold

People with heavy responsibilities usually have no friends
It makes you feel alone in the world where all are dead ends
It repels your friends out the door they go
To you, disgust, hatred and dislike is what they show

Leaders don't have social lives you can only dream about it
You're considered an outcast, an outsider. what the fcuk. oh damn it.

friendships fly, friendships fade
do you remember the day that ours was made?
for a while, i was really close with you
pained and dreaded, now i'm shattered in two

of all the many good times we had
what i miss the most were secrets we shared
bestest of friends, in our actions it was shown
but to another circle, now you have flown

don't know what to do, i was so confused
what to do now, i'm left alone to choose
by myself doing solo whatever you want to call it
even all alone, i'll show you i can make it

first day of school. bored. slow. i could go on.
mrs hay me form teacher. PeeWeeT!!
school. blah. blah. blah.
you get the drill.

its gonna be one hecktic year.
last year for BWL.
one year left to live.
damn school rules.
i'm a prefect so i'm not suppose to say that. but who cares.

hearing everybody saying about stress and stuff. 'O's coming and stuff.
heavy work load and stuff. home work and stuff.
everyone's entittled to their complains? troubles? problems?
trying not to think about it. but i cant help it.
every night. every day.
before i sleep. when i wake up.
its there. the stress. pressure. expectations.
you guys know it.

i heard this from a teacher from another school once.
"if stress can kill, so can you."
weird?
yeah. i guess so.
didn't catch what he wanted to say.

tomorrow's bag weighs a ton.
seems that all bags do.
hope i'll be a better day.
but. i doubt it.

booya. just got back from nation's countdown. peeweet! it rocks!! but this year there was no fireworks. think they scaled it down cause of da tsunami incident. but it was still a great party.

went with elicia & bernice. bernice also brought her bf & her sis. yup. 5 of us. when we reached there is wasn't pack yet. there were some dancers on stage and they were playing this really cool remis of britney spears - mu against the music. some dj mixed it i think. then elicia suddenly say she not feeling well. stomach upset & abit dizzy. yea. so we ask her sit down some where. bernice they all wanna walk around so i stayed with elicia to accompany her. she looked really sick. think its something she ate or what. so suay. new year eve she sick. haha. think 2005 not gonna be a good year for you. lol. bleahx. later she scold me. oops. =X

called carmen. chat for awhile. then hung up. good timing. bernice they all came back. then since elicia said she felt abit better, we went to see the stage area. gurmit & michelle were the host. (don't ask me who michelle. i myself don't know.) about 11+ spore idol finalist came out. first maia, leandra and i think daphne came out. sang those 80's songs. yuck. aint my kinda songs. haha. after that jerry, christopher & david sang blue's songs. "sorry seems to be the hardest word". then olinda & sly came out. wah. people scream like siao. talk talk abit then oli sang "do you believe in life after love". whoa! so powerful seh. felt the ground shake. her voice is gooodd. next sly. saw somebody holding up a slyverster stuffed toy. haha. he sang "hero" from the spiderman soundtrack. ok la. i guess. at least better then the s.i. finals when he sing "its my life". he like screaming like that. oops. all the sly fans gonna hate me now. actually he sang at the countdown nicer. after that gurmit take out two beach balls then throw to the crowd. then he kept saying "becareful with my BALLS!!" and made weird noises as if he was in pain when people hit his "balls". lol. actually i tell you like not funny. you had to be there to understand. too bad.

about 1-2 minute before midnight, they off all the lights on stage. then got this percussion group started playing. then suddenly taufik appear on stage. all the lights on him. he wearing all white again. hmm. he there hitting the drums. ok la. all the same. then boom!! 2005!! happy new year!! then taufik started singing. he sang. justin timberlake's - "senorita". damn nice. sounded goooodd. also showed his new music video. its ok i guess. after that got some other performances. lazy to say all. party some more. then we left. took cab back. too bad 5 people cant share cab. bleahx. so bernice bf sent her & her sis home in one cab. then i shared a cab with elicia to bishan mrt. she said that her dad can fetch her from there so i ok lo. bishan what. so waited for her dad to reach then i left for home.

kinda tired. but i actually wanted to stay longer. wanted to hear the music and stuff. some of the remixes were really cool. some more the party is actually until 7am. whoa!! its a 12 hour party manx!!

happy new year